The Ever-Changing Feelings of Survivorship
It’s difficult to put a finger on the exact feeling I get when I hear Survivorship. Uneasy… confused… sad… maybe a little hopeful. Did I survive cancer? Yes. Is there always a looming feeling it could return with vengeance? Also yes.
It’s kind of like when you graduate from college and you’re a 20-something adult and you can literally do anything. Except in that case there are no rules, after “graduating” from cancer you have lots of rules. Lots of different ways to (hopefully) prevent a reoccurrence. Vitamin D, turkey tail mushroom supplements, plenty of water, 300 minutes of exercise/week, lower stress, lower inflammation, eat whole nutrient-dense foods, no alcohol… the list feels endless. It feels like a full-time job to take care of yourself but now add back your actual full-time job you did before cancer. Life goes on so now you have social gatherings you’re expected to go to. You’re starting to look better so people expect you to start just being better.
It’s uncomfortable, as a cancer survivor, to tell others about the devastation you’ve endured without ending it on an inspirationally positive note. If I had a penny for every person who told me all the good I will do once I was done with treatment in helping other navigate this horrible disease I’d be able to pay my deductible this year. I started this blog because I felt like I had things to say that might be helpful and I found a lot of comfort reading or watching videos of people going through something similar. But was it also because others told me I needed to? It’s like when you’re a kid and your mom tells you to load the dishwasher and you think to yourself, “Well I was already going to load the dishwasher out of the goodness of my heart but now that you’re telling me to do it I don’t feel like it”. It can be frustrating for people to respond in such a way to you going through some horrible event, but of course it’s never meant that way. It adds an unneeded pressure on cancer survivors to make some good come out of such a horrible situation. I feel like the media does a good job of furthering this narrative. I can see the headline now, “Cancer Survivor Starts Foundation, Helps Others Going Through Cancer”. It’s noble, it’s hopeful, it’s satisfying. You never see a story like “Cancer Survivor Goes to Therapy to Work Through Medical Trauma”. Doesn’t have the same ring to it. I suppose the alternative is for people to just sit with you in the terrible sadness and stress of cancer, is that so hard? Yes! It’s incredibly difficult, but I think it’s incredibly powerful. To allow your loved one to grieve their old life, be present and available in their time of need, and be a listening ear once they come out the other side. No pressure, no judgements, no expectation for them to run a 5k for their cancer.
I’ve also found it difficult feeling abandoned by my medical team. I’m being dramatic but it really feels like that, abandonment. When you’ve finished all the treatments and surgeries and are deemed in remission the appointments come to a, what feels like, sudden stop. It’s for a good reason of course, you are a successful patient that completed the prescribed treatment plan and are now in remission and have entered into a monitoring phase. But it has felt very scary to me. There is no longer a team of doctors working together to ensure your health, they’ve moved on to the next patient who needs their immediate attention. And there are follow-up appointments scheduled but it just feels … different. It’s a new way of living to get used to, just like when starting treatment and having to get used to that new way of living. But with less time spent at appointments, there is more time for the physical and emotional healing that needs to take place. It’s a good thing, really.
I feel grateful having so many resources available to me that I got to utilize during treatment and now have in my hypothetical tool box to aid in my survivorship phase. I have an awesome therapist that I’ve had since I started treatment, I have a physical therapist I can call, a pelvic floor PT, acupuncturist, and so many other people, resources, and tools I can call on. Survivorship means “the act of surviving”, which can mean so much. It’s coming to terms with what the hell just happened to you, it’s leaning on others for support, it’s learning about your new normal, and it’s processing through the trauma of having gone through cancer. Where some people might want to move past the experience and “get on with their lives”, taking the time to process and heal can lead not just to surviving but also thriving after cancer.